Monday, January 10, 2011

#98 - Bolero

"Follows the tale of a young woman's sexual awakening and subsequent journey around the world in pursuit of her ideal lover. Encounters include an Arabian sheik and a Spanish bullfighter. Her friend and butler accompany her and help to arrange her couplings."

Could be interesting right? If there had been an awakening, or a journey, it could have been. The sad part of #98 (which has fallen to #96 as I write this) is that there is no fun story to tell outside of the movie. It was easy to find, and it's not a foreign film we can't understand. We did try to combine the knock off snuggies which are basically blankets with buttons, and that was good for a laugh before we started the movie.

I figured that even if this movie was bad, there would at least be some nudity. Apparently there was a controversy about this movie's graphic sex scenes, so hey, could be good right? Even as a young teenager staying up on Saturday night to catch an episode of Bleu Nuit I don't know if I would have cared to stay up to watch this garbage.

First off, this story is about a girl who is just out of a boarding school, which means she is supposed to be 18 years old. This "young girl" is played by a 28 year old Bo Derek who looks.... well, 28. Actually, she probably could have pulled off a 35 year old character better than how she fared as an 18 year old. Second, she is supposed to be a virgin. A virgin who within the first five minutes of the film goes running around topless on campus after graduation. Right.

To start the movie, we are treated to a two minute piece of a silent movie with what appears to be a sheik saving a damsel in distress. From that, our 28 year old virgin, who just graduated from high school (which is a more likely scenario as the character was nothing more than a dumb blonde) wants to lose her virginity to a sheik, which she does find. Now, keep in mind that this sheik thing is her wildest fantasy, and she offers this dude her "gift" of virginity, and he wants it. Only to fall asleep after being smacked in the face with a honey and milk covered stomach. No, I am not making this up, scout's honours.

Failing to get properly devirginized by this sheik, the fantasy fails by the way side, and she settles for a bullfighter. Not only is our heroine going after a bullfighter who already has a lover, but she will get help from a 13 year old girl who is just waiting to turn 14 so she can bed this very same bullfighter. Oh, and this 13 year played by then 15 year old Olivia d'Abo also has a nude scene, and I'm not up on all the laws, but wouldn't that be child porn?

Anyway, so we get to the point in the movie where our virgin is one no more, which the dialogue makes sure we understand this point. This sex scene I will give credit that it's pretty graphic in the sense that it pushes the limit and comes close to full fledged porn territory. Outside of that, it's dumb, awkward, and quite frankly uninteresting and hard to watch. The sex scene in Team America: World Police was more erotic than this one.

But this is not enough for our now non-virgin girl. She wants to find ecstasy, and oh does she ever! Well, actually she find a big "exstacy" neon sign. Close enough I guess. It does come with a big fan and a fog machine, so it's a win right? Wait, what? You're confused? About what? That the ending love/sex scene on the bullfighter's bed (who btw, is now a recovered impotent accident prone bullfighter) it becomes windy as the pink neon sign appears in the middle of the fog, which they point to just so you don't miss it. Awesome, no?

There are so many stupid scenes in this movie, I'd have to go through the entire movie to touch on them all. And the dialogue is just as brutal. "Do you like virgins?" is what her friend asks some random guy she finds cute. But worst of all is the editing. The cuts from scene to scene leaves you saying "what the?" at every turn. My favourite was when the chauffeur is sitting in the kitchen, and his chair starts to tip backwards, and the scene goes into super slowmo as the old guy is falling. At this point we're wondering where this is coming from. Is he drunk? What made him go back like that? Is he going to get hurt? You have time to think about all these things as the fall lasts about 30 seconds. But just as he is about to finally drop, the movie cuts to another scene, and this whole slow motion moment has no purpose... at all. Why? Why not just cut that 30 seconds and make the movie shorter. Shorter would have been better.

This movie was so bad that I was very close to using my veto on this one. But we had already watched 60 minutes of it, and had "only" 44 minutes left. I'm just glad we had beer and snacks.

IMDb Rating: 2.5
JF's Rating: 1 (Seriously, there will be "as bad as" but never "worse than")
Christie's Rating: 2 (She's optimistic that there will be worse)

Turn off point: Christie and I had the same turn off point this time around, and it was during the virginity losing sex scene. This was supposed to be the big moment in the story, the reason why they were "traveling the world", and yet, it was very anti climactic. Especially since there was no build up, and by that I mean, there wasn't a single kiss between the two before he placed himself in position for that initial thrust. "No, no," she pleads, shaking her head side to side as she pushes him slightly away. She looks at him and says "I'm not a virgin anymore" with a big smile as she lets him continue. Ugh, just reliving that scene has made me stupider.

At least our next movie (Police Academy 7) will have nostalgia attached to it. Until then, never watch Bolero!

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